San Francisco, California

Floyd the Physio is becoming well-acquainted with my backside. Every weekday day for the last week he has iced it, massaged it, stretched it and passed electrical impulses through it. Nobody has been this intimate with my nether regions since I last got a bikini wax.

But despite his ministrations, my pain in the posterior persists.

This morning I went for an MRI scan, the first I’d ever had. It’s a strange experience. I was instructed to change into clinic pants, size Large, I noticed ??” and indeed they were ??” even at my present much-increased weight I could have fitted two of me in there. I was then taken into the presence of The Machine, feeling something like the Cowardly Lion meeting the Wizard of Oz.

I lay down on the bed, they taped my feet together, and then I was slotted into the circular jaws of the machine. It introduced itself with a few deep and sonorous tones, then proceeded through pulsing waves of sound at various frequencies. 20 minutes and $1000 dollars later, it was over. Coincidentally the same cost as Mojo’s paintwork.

I’m having to ‘self-pay’ for now, and claim it back later from my travel insurance. I’m not sure how much more my credit card can stand. Let’s hope I get better soon, for many reasons.

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