Day 83: Urgent – Laughter Needed

Joan – you are a genius. You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. Some levity is PRECISELY what I need right now. All this earnest save-the-world stuff, combined with getting my ass kicked by this Indian Ocean, has led to spirits being, if not low, then somewhere around sea level.

So some jokes or funny stories from my readers would be tremendously welcome. I could do with a few good belly laughs. Bring them on!

Here are a few smiles I found in a file on my laptop, just to get the ball rolling:

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive (or row oceans)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m sure you can do better than these. Please do!

Other Stuff:

Those of you who listen to my podcast will know that my co-host, Vic Phillipson, lives in Norway. I can let you know that Vic and his family are all safe and well, and have not been directly affected by the recent ghastly events. He mentioned the sad sight of the flags on their local city bridge flying at half mast, but reports that he is proud of how well organized, and generally un-flappable the civilian, military, and medical authorities have been, and continue to be.

Mileage today was again dismal. After struggling all day yesterday to make a measly 7 miles, I lost 6 of them overnight, and today have been banging my head against an adverse current with no wind to help me. And no improvement in the forecast at the time of writing. Sigh.

But I did have one triumph today. I did some electrical jiggery-pokery (and you know how much I dread having to do such things) and managed to resuscitate one of my gadgets. I was really rather proud of myself.

I don’t know what has got into the chaps downstairs. As I am writing this they have gone bananas. I can hear big fishy-sized splashes from outside every few seconds, meaning they are jumping backflips. Maybe they’re putting on a show to cheer me up? Nice try, chaps, but you’re hardly the Marx Brothers.

Thank you, Jay, for proposing a Roz Solidarity Sunset at the next full moon (Aug 13). That is a lovely idea. I will indeed be dining on miso soup and beansprouts, but if you’d rather have something more enjoyable and/or more nautical, I won’t begrudge you your wider range of options. I will sit out on deck to watch the full moon rising, and waiting to feel the force!

Tom – interesting point of view, that if we lived longer we’d have a clearer perspective on our global impact. Not sure what to do about that one. We’re already trying to fix environmental meltdown and world poverty here – now eradicating (or at least seriously postponing) death as well??! Just as an aside, I highly recommend the Mars Trilogy by Kim Stanley Robinson -Red Mars, Green Mars and Blue Mars. The main characters in that have a lifespan of about 250 years, which enables them to witness the terraforming of the planet from red rock to Earth II. And they’re great books for provoking thoughts about how we might set up a new human civilization from scratch.

Cynthia – I agree that leading by example is the most powerful way to change the world – and to advertise what we are doing, and why we are doing it. Whether we are setting an example to our neighbours next door, or across the world, we should seize every opportunity to spread the word – by mouth, email, internet, TV, film, books, whatever. I’ve thought about writing to novelists to ask them if they could substitute re-usable grocery bags for plastic bags in their books, and never to allow a character to use styrofoam. Maybe they could even visit a farmer’s market rather than the supermarket. It all helps!

Karen Morss – I hope the bees are settling in well and getting to work. I love honey!

RGJ – teehee! I liked the quote, although I agree that your suggestion might have been more relevant!

Quote for today, in a similarly light vein: “Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?” (Jerry Seinfeld)

Photo: a dramatic sunset tonight – red sky at night, rower’s delight?

Sponsored Miles: Discouragement: Roz has been swept backwards about 6 miles in the last 24 hours. Encouragement: Several new sponsors to help her regain those lost miles. Thanks to Charlotte Vick, Patty Elkus, Tom Hockman and Mark Clifton.

  • Anonymous

    I once wrote a bawdy limerick
    Not fit for even Roz to giggle at.
    I wrote it in haste,
    It was in poor taste!
    Ass’ure you ’twasn’t ’bout flatulent!

    Row hilariously, Roz!

  • dt

    The early bird catches the worm. Being a worm myself, I figure it’s safer to
    stay in bed.

  • dt

    The early bird catches the worm. Being a worm myself, I figure it’s safer to
    stay in bed.

  • Anonymous

    Accidents cause people

  • Pippa

    Beautiful sunset – reminds me of the Australian Aboriginal flag.

    Further to yesterday’s communal ponderings, I was having a moment of peace & quite after convincing my little nephews to have an afternoon snooze (they’d been up all night with a tummy bug) when I heard screeching tyres & thumps on the street outside my house. I raced outside to see if anyone had been hurt & saw three other women & their kids racing out of their houses. All was well – just an idiot driver hooning off down the road. What happened next was typical of my little community – a nice big catch up & chat on the sidewalk with the neighbours. Neighbourhood families (read Mums) = the great untapped resource for change.  

  • Jewelbeams

    Roz, been enjoying your blog so much…I was on a journey myself, all alone in remote areas where there was no agreement for what I was up to….for three years.
    Right on….yes! enough about saving the world! It is tiresome to talk about…I discovered, as when I got into that kind of discussion or thought process….I was pointing to “something’s wrong” and that got me nowhere…and dragged me down….
    So then I shifted to….everything is happening exactly as it should, no matter how crazy it seems….(a way to be at peace with what is)
    And also being a watery person as I am, my emotions easily picking up on things around me, or even in myself…being sensitive about my progress…so….

    I would draw cartoons of myself (even though I don’t draw figures like an artist) as a clown, until I made myself laugh….
    In times when I didn’t have writing instruments handy, I would declare a ‘beeing’….like the morning I woke up knowing not where I would sleep or eat, as I had no money..and felt myself sinking…so I declared ‘beeing a joyful jumpin jackass!’ and this got me laughing so much, and that day miracles DID happen…

    love you Roz, and thanks so much for sharing with us….I have infinite curiousity about life on a boat, and mother ocean…I’m there with you.
    Anani

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=646994801 Gina Alzate

    Hi Roz,

    If you could see this video, it would be so fun! I’ll post anyway to see if you can access it from where you are. It’s hilarious, especially the man in the yellow shirt – such a funny laugh he has.

    Skype Laughter Chain
    ~ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p32OC97aNqc

    I’ll be back with written catalyst for laughter!

    Love,
    Gina Alzate

  • Chance

    What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?
    Go for the juggler.

  • Hawk

    Ok so a Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender – “got any crackers??” The bartender says “No! and get outta here you duck!” The next day the same duck walks into the bar and asks “got any crackers?” The Bartender looks at him and yells “NO! And get outta here you duck!!”
    So this goes on for 3 days… and finally the bartender gets fed up and says “if you come here and ask for crackers one more time – I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar!!” The next day the duck walks in and asks “Got any nails?” the Bartender says “No!” – so the duck says “got any crackers??” :D Hope you smile and feel the love we all have for you and your task!! 

  • Ckstewart2001

    A
    dying granny tells her granddaughter “I want to leave my farm to you.
    That includes the villa, the tractor & other equipment, the
    farmhouse and $22,398,750.00 in cash.” The granddaughter, about to be
    rich says “Oh my granny, that is so generous, I didn’t even know you had
    a farm. Where is it?” With her last breath, she says “Facebook…”       You asked…..

  • Hawk

    Roz – also remember – the early bird catches the worm BUT the second mouse gets the cheese!! teehee – hugz – 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1659693238 Colin McWilliams

    A favorite toast from an old friend of mine:  “May the skin of your b*m never cover a drum.”

  • John Kay

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

  • John Kay

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find herHusband stalking around with a fly swatter “What are you doing?”She asked.”Hunting Flies”He responded.”Oh. ! Killing any?” She asked.”Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

  • Stephen Stewart

    O.K. A solar lunar spectacular (sunset and moonrise) on the ocean?
    Sounds great to me.  Maybe I will take a walk up a hill that day.  Sending you good thoughts and great progress.  Cheers,  Stephen

  • BSavage

    some folks use language to express thought,some to conceal thought, but most use it to replace thought.

    The only ambition a napkin has is to get off a diner’s lap and play on the floor.

    Memory is what makes you wonder what you’ve forgotten to do.

    About the only thing that can-not be misquoted is silence.

    Nobody has ever measured , not even the poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald

    It is good a philosopher should remind himself, now and then, that he is a particle pontificating on infinity. Ariel and Will Durant

    Never eat more than you can lift.   Miss piggy

    A kiss is a lovely trick by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.   Ingrid Bergman

    The Avon Lady called this morning and asked me not to tell anyone where I buy my cosmetics.  Margaret Hance

    Don’t be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so. Belva Davis

    I hope there is one that tickles your rowers elbow, bsavage

  • Anonymous

    TOooo funny ;-D

  • Anonymous

     Here are some entries for the make Roz smile event :)

    Dont tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon…
    .
    If it were not for electricity, we would all be watching TV by candlelight.

    Life is a game, if you are not careful you will lose it!

    safe sailing and fair winds,
    David Church

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=743974487 Roger Dale Finch

    Roz, I haven’t even read all of this blog day, but I want to remind you of something; Notice how when you put out a “mayday”, so many JUMP to your rescue? You may be the most loved woman on a world wide scale, so take a moment to visualize everyone wanting to hug you and greet you!  Ever since I met you briefly in Texas I have longed to be in your company more and so many others feel the same way!
    (some lousy job I did on making you laugh, huh?)

  • Hawk

    A man decides he wants to join a Monastery. He joins and has to take a vow of silence. He is only allowed to utter 2 words at the end of every year. At the end of his first year he says “food’s cold”. Another year passes and he say’s “shower cold”. Another year passes and he says “I quit!”. The Sr. Monk says – “no wonder he quit. All he’s done is gripe since he got here!!” :D

  • Anonymous

    Roz, pix like today’s … no words … well … maybe
    just a handful: Spectacular! Wish. I. Were. There.Sunset or sunrise? It’s setting there while rising hereMaking it my FB profile avatar … Row luminously, Roz!

  • Anonymous

    Roger that, Roger!
    LOL ’cause you took the words right outta my mouth.

  • Rico

    Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.  Two days before the group is to leave, Rob’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.  Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

    Two days later, the three get to the camping site, only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

    “Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”

    Well, I’ve been here since yesterday.  Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair, and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said ‘Guess who?'”

    I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.  She took my hand and led me into our bedroom.  The room had two dozen candles, and rose petals all over.  She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes.  She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.  And then she said: ‘Now, you can do whatever you want.'”

    So, here I am.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1532019852 Joan Sherwood

    I am the first to admit I totally suck at remembering jokes, so I “borrowed” this farm joke from the Prarie Home Companion site (this is not the typical “blonde” joke):

    A blonde city girl named Amy married a Colorado rancher. 

    One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
    “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today,
    so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above that cow’s stall in the
    barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”

    The rancher leaves for the fields.

    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
    door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when
    Amy sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”

    The man, assuming he is dealing with an air-head blonde, asks, “Tell me
    lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow
    to be bred?”

    “That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its
    stall,” she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail
    for?”

    The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

    “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

     

  • http://twitter.com/mainebob MaineBob OConnor

    Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save oar strokes, take your next trip in kilometers.Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

  • Rico

    A divorce court judge said to the husband:  “Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”

    “That’s very fair, your honour,” he replied.  “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

  • Anne

    Silly but makes me smile – What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

    Dam.

  • Rico

    A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:  “Let’s talk.  I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

    The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger:  “What would you like to talk about?”

    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger.  “How about nuclear power?” and he smiles.

    “OK,” she said.  That could be an interesting topic.  But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff … grass.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?”

    The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde’s intelligence, thinks about it and says:  “Hmmm, I have no idea ….”

    To which the blonde replies:  Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don’t know shit?”

  • Outsidejay

    I am putting “RozSavage” as a verb in UrbanDictionary (a US phenomenon).

    definition to be something like: to do something stunningly extraordinary. To be courageous beyond measure with inspiring perserverance. To think through an activity in a comparitive manner and give yourself the boldness to continue.

    The sentence would be somthing like: If you don’t pick up that bottle and recycle it, I will rozsavage you. I will need to rozsavage it up to the top of that summit. Dude, your gonna fall apart under the pressure, you better take a breath and rozsavage yourself together.

    for verification that I am 93% serious, you are able to look up “sufferfest” in the http://www.urbandictionary.com

    I would like more “definitions” or sentences as once they go in, they cannot be retrieved.

    Row Roz Row!

    If you can’t do somthing inspiring, repeat it until it makes you or one of your friends laugh. It might just be the example of what NOT to do… (Texas proverb)

  • Kelli Carley

    We live on a sailboat in Boston, MA with our four year old son, Seth. He has his own kayak and is very good at paddling himself around. I thought he might be interested in your boat and journey so a couple of days ago I showed him your website and a few youtube clips of you rowing. In one of the clips, you show your blistered hands. In another clip, you are in a desperate type state and are saying something about having a hard time. After watching the videos, Seth decided that his little kayak wasn’t enough anymore. He wanted to row our dinghy, a 9 foot Boston Whaler Squall. I popped him in his life jacket and handed him the clunky oars. He rowed very clumsily for a minute or two, trying to get the hang of it. Then he looked at his hands and said, “They aren’t blistered yet!” I told him he’d have to row many miles to earn some blisters. As he got the hang of rowing, he quickly became cocky. He said, “I don’t know why Roz said this is hard. This isn’t hard. She’s craaazy.”

    So there you go. You are a little boy’s hero. And yesterday he scooped up two water bottles with a net while he was out paddling and came back and stuck them in our recycling bag. You’re doing good, you’re good. :)

  • Alan from Newburyport

    It was the postman’s last day after 30 years of delivering the mail on foot. Along the way his regulars all gave him gifts and good wishes but at the last house on his route, the woman of the house met him wearing none but a smile and a come hither look.

    So upstairs they go and after a bit of fun the woman says “are you hungry? I’ll make you breakfast”.

    After finishing a delicious breakfast the postman noticed a dollar bill under the plate. Whats this, he asks?

    Well, says she, when I told my husband that today was your last on the job and what should we give as a gift, he told me “screw him, give him a buck”

    The breakfast was my idea.

  • http://www.facebook.com/aquaphoenix Deb Smith

    During a recent computer password audit, I discovered that a client was using the following password: “MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLoui​eDeweyDonaldGoofyWashingto​n”When I asked the young blonde woman why she used such a long password, she said she was told that her password had to contain at least eight characters and one capital :}

  • Anonymous

    So … this guy dies and goes to haitch-ee-double-toothpicks (in deference to the family-rated nature of this blog :) and Mr. Deville personally greets him and offers “Name one thing I can’t do and you may leave.” The guys thinks a sec, then passes one horrific blast of green-house-gas (aka methane or flatulence) and retorts, “Catch that and paint it green!”

    Row off-color, Roz!

  • Aimee

    One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.
    One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut
    his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the
    end
    each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his
    mouth.

    The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point
    tool and his four point tool.

    One day he awoke to find that the four
    point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle
    trying to find his precious tool.

    First he came upon the lion.
    ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
    ”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
    Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
    ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
    ”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool”.

    Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
    ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”
    ”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool”.
    ”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.
    ”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.
    ”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.
    ”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

  • Anonymous

    Then there was this other guy, who failed the first test, and was then passed from Mr. Deville to another surrogate who took the newly inducted resident of haitch-ee-double-toothpicks to a room with three doors labelled “Hot”, “Cold” and “Stinky.” 

    Door “Hot” opened and there was fire and brimstone, yelling and agony, and little red devils poking the residents with sharp little pitchforks. “Let’s see what’s behind Door #2 he said.”  

    Door “Cold” opened and there was a blizzard of snow, sleet and hail blowing horizontal, pelting and slashing the blue skinned naked residents, and little blue devils poking them with sharp icicles, lots of screaming and agony. Let’s see what’s behind Door #3 he said.

    “Door “Stinky” opened and as far as the eye could see there were people standing up to their knees in excrement, and the smell was unbearable. BUT, all of the residents of this room seemed contented as they munched on donuts and assorted cakes while sipped coffee and tea.

    “Okay, this will have to do” and he was ushered into a space of his own and a little devil graciously served him donuts and coffee.  He hadn’t had but one bite and a sip of coffee and a tremendously resonating voice announcement emanated from a loud speaker nearby, shaking his very soul: “COFFEE BREAK’S OVER!  BACK ON YOUR HEADS!”

    Row angelically, Roz!

  • Anonymous

    LIKE … Aimee, what time do you send off your email to Roz each day … about the time she calls it a day?  What is our “cut-off” time?

  • Eric

    Hi Roz,
    Here’s a joke I first heard from Tara Brach but it’s been around:

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
    I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.   And as I played “Amazing Grace,'” the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.   As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years.”

    Cheers!
    Eric

  • John Herrick

    Ditto!

  • Anonymous

    ou have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.- Ellen DeGeners.The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.- Dan QuayleCongratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia.”- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.- W. C. Fields.It is generally agreed that “Hello” is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said “Goodbye,” it could confuse a lot of people.- Dolph Sharp

  • Jim Rucquoi

    so what i wanna know, dear limb-powered lady, is what’s going on with your feet these days? seems like when i last saw you, you were all pedals. either way, awfully proud to have you at shemovesme.com, blog of my own propelling. speaking of smirks & such, tell me, has the corollary to murphy’s law caught up w/ you yet? ( murphy was an optimist! ) i’m confident it ain’t gonna. my regards to the chaps below. ~ jim rucquoi, climate ride calif 2010

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/YoonOk-Kim/100000403434472 YoonOk Kim

    My mom once had a friend whom I privately called the Poop Lady.
    Here are the reasons why I called her like that.
    Whenever she came to our house, she started talking about her Bowel Movements and what good stool should be.
     
    The Poop Lady had a lot to say about good stool:
    They should be light brown and be solid round in shape. Make sure whether it is to float on water or not.
    She went onto say…they should be few big pieces, not too many small pieces.
    They should be soft and fluffy.
    They should be easy to pass…
    She went on and on and on.
     
    Surely, the Poop Lady gave us laughter!
    I am still laughing!
    Laughter is contagious!
    And Yes, laughter is the best medicine!
    … I’m still laughing now.
     
    What do you think of the Poop Lady?

  • Kelli Carley

    Okay, so a joke:

    A man is driving up a curvy, steep mountain road. A woman comes around the corner, swerves into his lane, honks and screams, “PIG!!!”
    He flips her off and yells, “BITCH!!” and then crashes into a pig.

  • Outsidejay

    So I’m headin down to Monterey for a surf session and I get caught behind two trucks in a construction zone. Despite my going the speed limit, a California Highway Patrol pulls out of no-where and catches up to within a few feet of my rear bumper. Alarmed, I immediately scan my speed and any indicator lights as well as sit bolt upright. There is a passing lane way up ahead so I stay close but not too close to the trucks ahead of me still in paranoid driven altertness.

    Suddenly, a Turkey Vulture flies from just above the bushes to my right, directly in front of me. I swerve to the left onto on-coming traffic at first and seeing a worse fate immediately correct back into my lane. The next three things happen all at once.

    I hit the turkey vulture with the top center of my windshield as I slide back into my lane. I see the turkey vulture center punch the CHP officer’s front grille and get stuck right next to the loud speaker. Lastly, simultaneous to the first two things that were happening, the CHP officer lights me up with his red and blue flashers.

    I pull over in sheer distress and panic. The police officer comes over to my passenger side window and leans in. As if rehearsed for decades, he checks out the interior of my car to see if there is anything else amiss then asks, “Do you know why I am pulling you over?”

    Many cop friends have told me never to say “I don’t know.” But I didn’t. Still I managed a reply, “I was speeding.?”

    His sunglasses off now and his pupils glaring, he says, “You just flipped me the bird.”

  • John Kay

    This must be a record for comments.
    So here’s another:

    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.”Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.” “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cabI took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.” “So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?

  • http://profiles.google.com/davidtangye David Tangye

    A termite walked into a bar and said ‘Is the bar tender in here ?’

  • http://profiles.google.com/davidtangye David Tangye

    Great piccie of the sea and sky, Roz. One day soon you will not be able to sit out there and enjoy it. Enjoy every day you are there. Also, remember Hofstadter’s Law: “Everything takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s law.” Umm also: 

    “Time exists so everything doesn’t happen at once.” – anon.

    And on a completely unrelated note, a few quotes from the Bible of Murphy:
    Nothing is as easy as it looks.Everything takes longer than you think.Everything takes longer than it takes.When you see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.Every solution breeds new problems.Every problem is replaceable with a bigger one.Make something idiot-proof, and they will build a better idiot.

  • Rico

    The record for comments (I’m pretty sure) was on September 5, 2009, when we had a blog-party going on all night long for Roz’s arrival in Tarawa.  There were 238 comments recorded for that day.  But today is the highest count day in awhile, and it certainly shows how much Rozlings appreciate what Roz is doing, and are willing to support her in whatever way is possible.

  • John Kay

    Of course you are correct Rico! We were all fired-up then after watching destinations fluctuate. I think this may be a record for jokes in response to Roz’s specific request. It’s also an indication of the number of followers that Roz has now. Is there a count, I wonder, and which countries are represented? I know there are a few in China and Russia.

  • Mariya Kai

    So Woody and I were skyping this morning while you were busy rowing his lazy booty, and he shared with me some of his favorite pirate jokes: 

    A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”

    “What do you mean?” the pirate replies, “I’m fine.”

    The bartender says, “But what about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

    “Well,” says the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball
    hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

    “Yeah,” says the bartender, “But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands.”

    “Well,” says the pirate, “We were in another battle and we boarded the
    enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the
    surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really.”

    “Oh,” says the bartender, “What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

    “Well,” says the pirate, “One day when we were at sea, some birds were
    flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

    “So?” replied the bartender, “what happened? You couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird shit!”

    “Well,” says the pirate, “I really wasn’t used to the hook yet.”

    What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?

    A sunken chest with no booty!

    Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

    Because they can spend years at C!

    Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!

    How do pirates know that they are pirates?

    They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!!!

    Why is pirating addictive?

    They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!Woody also said he was sorry that he hadn’t mentioned any of these sooner, but he didn’t want to distract you from saving the world one ocean at a time.  He said that he’s quite impressed with you, that you are one badass ocean rower, and that he’s never been on board with such a fine looking lady.  He said that if he weren’t about 1/80th your size then he’d ask you to go on a date with him…Love you Roz.  Much aloha, light & smooth seas being sent your way.*  A las ninas!

  • Mariya Kai

    Sorry for all the spacing in that last post, format turned out different once posted.  :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/Moonshadow2 Cynthia Kruger

    Roz . . . the idea promoting the use of reusable bags that was is quite intriguing. I can see how it might even provide a handy plot device at times.

    Definitely One thing I have done when clerks offer me a bag for something that is already in a bag (eg: cookies, or potato chips/crisps) . . . I just say what for?, it is already in its own bag!  You’d be surprised how often that elicits a laugh and an, “that’s true it is!”Mostly tho’ I just make sure to have some sort of bag or knapsack with me wherever I go . . . that’s really leading by example.  Since I parked the RV at the RV park in Portland for the summer I have not driven at all . . . even shopping for groceries on my bicycle.  From time to time I do use public transit but mostly it has been on the bike and never once using a bag from the shops.

  • Stephen Stewart

    I am always thinking of the hereafter…..

    I walk in the room and wonder……what am I here after

  • Stephen Stewart

    I was thinking of you today Roz.  We were working with large, 40 by 60 foot black plastic tarps.  The local farm uses them to cover the silage pits.  Feed for the cows.  We then use them in the nursery to cover the weeds.  Weeds are a big problem.  After a month or two the weeds die so we don’t have to spray (poison) or use weed cutters (engines using fossil fuel).  Or a tractor with a disking rig. more fossil fuel.  Not sure what we will do with them after they start breaking up due to sunlight.  Cheers,  Stephen

  • Outsidejay

    A blind man goes into a bar he’s never visited before and orders a drink, then says:
    “Anyone want to hear a great blonde joke?”The bar falls silent. The bartender says quietly,”Before you tell this joke sir, I think I’d better point out a few facts. I’m a blonde girl. The bouncer over there is blonde. The landlady is a 6ft tall blonde with a black belt in judo. The woman sitting on your right is a blonde weightlifter. The woman in the back over there is a blonde and just rowed across three oceansNow do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”The blind man shakes his head and says: “Naw, sorry. Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

    Keep rowing Roz, we’ll keep the vibes flowing!

  • Outsidejay

    http://youtu.be/t6-vb20srZI

    let the kids have a little fun with them…

  • Sylvia Wheeldon

    Dear Roz,
    So sorry you’re having a bit of a rough time out there. Here are a few one-liners that made me laugh. Hope that one or two have the same effect on you! Safe and preferably speedier journey, Sylvia in Devon

    People say, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’. I say, ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car …

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

    If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

    When in doubt, mumble.

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    And my own perennial favourite:

    What’s brown and sticky?  A stick.

  • Anonymous

    Some laughter needed? Time for another attempted witty limerick. 

    There was a dynamic beauty named Roz,
    Who rowed across the oceans – because…
    The world is in strife,
    Plastic bags destroying much life,
    One of earths greatest ambassadors there ever was!

    Tabby has been an avid follower of your blog (for those who do not know, Tabby is the cat who Roz stayed with while in East Fremantle). He dreamed for many nights of flying fish landing in his bowl after listening to some of your earlier blogs, and was most interested (in the way cats often are – via his tummy) in the fish pictures in recent blogs. He made us laugh recently when we left him at home to drive to work – he sat at the window, watched us drive by, with a look on his face that would have brought a tear to the hardest of hearts. I was sure he would lift a paw and say “please don’t leave me”…. Tabby wishes you well, and says not to give up hope that Johnny Depp might be waiting for you at journeys end :-) He, as well as both of us, are looking forward to hearing about your ongoing adventures! D&B

  • Steve Potosky

    one of my all time favourites :High School ReunionMy wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.My wife asked, “Do you know her?”Yes,” I sighed. “She was my old girlfriend.I understand she took to drinking right afterwe split up those many years agoand I hear she has not been sober since.””My God!” said my wife.”Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”Therefore, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything…

  • Steve Potosky

    Test for Dementia
    by Steve Potosky on Wednesday, May 18, 2011 at 11:56pmBelow are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question..
     
    You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately.
     
    OK?!
     
    Let’s find out just how clever you really are….
     
    First Question :
    You are participating in a race.
    You overtake the second person.
    What position are you in?
     
     
     
     
    Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
    wrong!
    If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
     
    Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question,
    but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question,
    OK ?
     
     
    Second Question :
    If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
     
     
     
    Answer: If you answered that you are second to last,
    then you are wrong again.
    Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
     
    You’re not very good at this, are you?
     
     
     
    Third Question :
     
    Very tricky – arithmetic!
    This must be done in your head ONLY!! Do not use paper & pencil or a calculator.
     
    Try it
     
     
     
    Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
     
    Now add another 1000 …
     
    Now add 30 …
    Add another 1000 …
     
    Now add 20 …
     
    Now add another 1000 …
    Now add 10 …
     
    What is the total?
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Did you get 5000 ?
     
     
     
     
    The correct answer is actually 4100.
     
    If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator!
    Today is definitely not your day, is it?
    Maybe you’ll get the last question right….
     
     
     
     
    Fourth Question :
    Mary’s father has five daughters:
     
     
    1.Nana, 2.Nene, 3.Nini, 4.Nono.
     
    What’s the name of the fifth daughter?
     
     
     
     
    Did you Answer Nunu?
    NO …. Of course it isn’t.
     
    Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
     
     
     
     
     
    Okay, now the Bonus Round :
     
     
     
     
    A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
     
    By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
     
    and the purchase is done.
     
    Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses;
     
    how does HE indicate what he wants?
     
     
     
     
     
     
    He just has to open his mouth and ask…
    It’s really very simple !

  • Doug

    A man runs in to the doctor’s office and shouts, “I’m a wigwam! I’m a teepee!”  The doctor replies, “Relax, you’re two tents.”

  • Aimee

    There isn’t a specific ‘cut-off’ time, Doug. It varies from day to day as I have to fit it in around work. I don’t have a desk-based job so can only send the emails from home. The blog is published at lunchtime in the UK each day so I try to give people time to reply before I collate the comments. I have noticed that further comments are sometimes added days after but I can’t keep track of those so I hope that Roz will enjoy reading the additional ones which may be missed out of the email when she’s back on dry land.

  • Aimee

    There isn’t a specific ‘cut-off’ time, Doug. It varies from day to day as I have to fit it in around work. I don’t have a desk-based job so can only send the emails from home. The blog is published at lunchtime in the UK each day so I try to give people time to reply before I collate the comments. I have noticed that further comments are sometimes added days after but I can’t keep track of those so I hope that Roz will enjoy reading the additional ones which may be missed out of the email when she’s back on dry land.

  • Aimee

    There isn’t a specific ‘cut-off’ time, Doug. It varies from day to day as I have to fit it in around work. I don’t have a desk-based job so can only send the emails from home. The blog is published at lunchtime in the UK each day so I try to give people time to reply before I collate the comments. I have noticed that further comments are sometimes added days after but I can’t keep track of those so I hope that Roz will enjoy reading the additional ones which may be missed out of the email when she’s back on dry land.

  • Scott

    For all of us who try to fix things with tools: 
    Dictionary of Tools; Explained  
     
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters and other unique personal injuries.BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your carefully planned future becomes.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off even the most stubborn bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
     
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for putting holes in almost anything and opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans while splashing oil on yourself or shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool prying opening paint cans and food containers and just about anything needing prying into. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering up the palm(s) of your hand(s).PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that expensively irreplaceable clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50cent part.
     
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts most closely adjacent the object one is trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered following long waits for the disparately needed replacement parts; works particularly well on contents such as fabrics,  plastics, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or delicate parts. Especially useful for slicing thru all types of personal clothing (work clothes especially), but only while being worn.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the boat and into the water while yelling ‘Son of a BITCH!’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  • Kevthebrit

    Hi Roz, Here’s a story that happened when my eldest daughter was about 5 years old. She was on a sleep over and the lady of the house was cooking supper. It was a meat dish and my daughter informed her that she did not want any meat. The lady asked her if she was a vegetarian….. my daughter thought for a while and then said “No! I think I’m a catholic”!

    nb If there was such a religion (Hmm! Maybe there is!) would the headquaters be in Brussels?

    ps Are you nearly there yet????????

  • Pingback: I’ve Done It! - Roz Savage, Ocean Rower()

  • Pingback: Roz Savage Successfully Crosses Indian Ocean and Announces, “I Quit!” | Notes From Sea Level()